10 Steps To Writing A Successful Medium Article

You want to write something everyone will read right?

Wait you don’t?

You know this is the Internet right?

You’re supposed to be here for life hacks, writing hacks, productivity hacks, hackey sacks, hack-a-Shaqs, and any other kind of hack you can find.

Yeah forget about that novel. No one’s probably going to read it anyway.

Don’t bother with that short story. That’s too old school.

If it doesn’t have bullet points and exclamation marks there’s no reason to write it.

Drop the personal essay. No one needs insightful and well thought out responses. No, we need listicles and content for content’s sake.

So, if you want to write a productivity hacks article. Keep reading.

Actually just read the sections titles. I know that’s what you’re going to do anyway.

1. Pick The Number 10

Why the number 10?

Who knows. But, there is one thing that is clear. If you want people to read your work it’s go to have the number 10 in it.

Why is that?

Is it because the people that would write an article like this can only count to ten?

Probably.

Is it because it’s a nice round number that allows you to get a fair number of points in without overwhelming the reader because you have to spoon feed the people that read this type of stuff?

Most likely.

Did that sound kind of mean and maybe I shouldn’t make fun of the people that like productivity hacks because it might offend them?

Well guess what? I’m not worried. They already skipped to the next heading anyway. This is way too many words for them. They’re too busy being productive?

Do you know the real reason every picks the number 10?

It’s because it allows you to write an article that looks like it’s long but really it’s just 100 words of fluff pushed together with 10 other similar chunks. Everyone does it this way because it’s easier to write ten 100 chunks than one 1,000 word in depth article.

Which is exactly what I’m going to do in the rest of the article.

2. Find Some Other People To Rip Off

The next most important thing to do is find some obvious words of wisdom that have been parroted by every other productivity guru.

I mean you don’t want to waste time thinking of original, insightful advice do you? That’s such a waste of time.

Time you could be doing other things.

Like working on our side hustle or avoid people that want to talk about their side hustle.

3. Make Big Proclamations In The Headings That Sound Really Good But When You Think About Are Actually Quite Dumb And/Or Really Obvious

Then you can just babble some nonsense down here because there’s like only a 7 percent chance anyone’s made it this far.

I mean you could really say anything.

I mean it’s the Internet no one’s going to double check if you’re right or not. You can say pretty much anything you want.

I once taught a parrot how to hula hoop. Did I really? No. But I can say it. And no one’s going to check.

Side note did you know hula hoop is spelled like that? I always thought it had two O’s in it. Who knew?

Moving on.

4. Use Some Cool Formatting

I mean how else will people know it’s a Medium article unless theres a bunch of stuff like this.

Or like this.

Otherwise you might as well use Hubspot.

5. Pick A Ridiculous Headline

And I mean ridiculous.

Make it filled with so many adjectives and numbers that’s it barely makes sense.

Imagine if Gary Vee and Tim Ferriss had a baby, and then think about that baby’s first words. That’s what your title should sound like.

Some Examples:

10 Crazy Awesome Ways To Get All The Things Done That You’ve Ever Wanted To Do

10 Things That If You Do They Will Guarantee That You Get Things So Done That You Will No Longer Have Things To Do

10 Ways To Make Your Article Sound Like It Was Written By A Somewhat Intelligent Ten Year Old

You get the idea.

6. Don’t Proofread

What are you a nerd?

Just get that content out there. The world will thank you for it.

8. Dont’ Use A Pillow. Instead Just Use A Copy Of The 4 Hour Work Week

You’ll absorb the information while you sleep.

See? I told you. Write whatever you want. People will believe anything. Someone’s going to read this and not realize it’s satire and then I’m going to get an angry email saying they tried this and it didn’t work.

9. Use A Voice Transcription App

It’s a lot faster than typing and can save you you strain on your hands and wrists.

There’s nothing funny there. It’s a legitimate tip. Enjoy.

10. Break One Point Into Several

This way you can make sure you pad out your article and it will be harder for people to tell that you actually have nothing to say.

But, as long as it looks like you know what you’re talking about that’s all that matters.

Bonus: Make sure it’s about Medium

The only successful articles on Medium are about Medium. So make sure to work that into your article.

So Get Into Your Pre-Flow State

That’s what are the cool kids are doing.

To write about you flow state you got to be in your flow state.

And how you to get into you flow state?

By getting into you pre-flow state.

How do you get into you pre-flow state?

Who knows.

I’m just writing bull crap until I hit my word count aaaaand done.

Well that’s all folks.

Written by

Matthew Donnellon is a writer, artist, and sit down comedian. He is the author of The Curious Case of Emma Lee and Other Stories.

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