The time has come. It’s time to venture forth into the cold. To leave your homes and family and conquer the retail world.
You’ve been planning it for months. Looking at circulars. Clipping coupons, and scouting online deals.
This is your time.
So follow these tips to make it the most rewarding time.
Places have opened earlier and earlier every year and in many instances you don’t need to wait till the next day.
Some say you should leave right after dinner.
I say why wait?
Instead of losing out on the deal, I say leave halfway through dinner. Sit down with the family. Make some small talk. Ask Jan about the kids. Listen to some story you’ve heard a million times.
Then, instead of going for a second scoop of mashed potatoes, promptly excuse yourself and head to your car. Your guests might think its rude, but they’ll thank you in about a month when they see what you bought them.
Parking Spots Are For Losers
Are really going to waste precious time trying to put your car in between the lines?
No, just go wherever you want. Tires are tougher than you think and this is what suspensions are for. Instead of trying to park like a sane person, I say go for a nice grassy median, or even the curb. That way you’ll have more room for when you return to your vehicle.
Cut In Line
I know what you’re thinking. Cut in line? These people will kill me.
Yes that might happen. But you might also get a good on a big screen TV so it’s worth it. Also, it’s best to do this is the northern half of the country. Then, some of these people have been there since morning and have since frozen in place. So you should be fine.
Also, make sure that you go for the middle of the line. If you’re in the back you might not score any goods. If you are in the front you’ll wind up Mufasa’d.
Elbows Are Your Friends
It’s between you and some midwestern mom going for the new Macbook things could get ugly.
You gotta work those elbows like you’re Bill Laimbeer and it’s 1989. Go for the ribs if need be. They’re vulnerable.
Don’t Just Pick One Lane
See, you could just patiently wait in one line like an adult. But that’s not going to get results.
No, jump from line to line noisily complaining that there aren’t enough lanes open. Bonus points if you keep saying, “They need to hire more people,” over and over again despite a small army working in the store.
Don’t Fall For The Sad Eyes
You got the last popular toy.
You’re heading out of the store.
And then you see it.
A small boy and girl will approach. They might be dressed as Tiny Tim. And then the puppy eyes come. Just avert your eyes. It’s a trick. It’s always a trick.
Now, you can brag about your commercial gains on Facebook.