This infernal beverage is everywhere. It populates the store shelves, lunch tables, and any other place you find annoying people.

It’s meteoric rise is popularity coincides with the great many stories of how terrible soda and other sugar filled beverages are bad for you.

But I would gladly guzzle a gallon of Monsanto’s finest corn syrup rather than deal with the people that drink La Croix.

Though my issue isn’t necessarily the beverage itself, even if it tastes like they’re rationing flavor like it’s copper in 1942. It’s fine, though not really any better than the bottles of store brand you can get for a dollar. I mean if it’s what you need to get your daily intake of effervescence, then I don’t blame you.

It’s the people that can’t separate their identity from a beverage brand that are truly insufferable. A fair amount of them do so because they’ve replaced whatever soda they used to drink, and boy do they love to tell you about it.

Every conversation goes like this:

Do you want something to drink?

I stopped drinking soda.

That’s cool. But what do you want to drink?

Soda’s really bad for you.

Okay, but do you want something to drink?

I only drink La Croix.

Okay so you want La Croix?

Pamplemousse please.

I have idea why this concoction is so popular. It tastes like the ghost of beverages past.

It’s the salad of beverages.

Sometimes restaurants forget to add syrup to fountain machines, and you get a cup of stained club soda. Someone got this and said, “hey I’m going to can this and make yuppie people more insufferable.”

Things people that like drinking La Croix like to do:

Telling you that they don’t watch TV. (Even though they watch Netflix).

Tell you about their disdain for chemicals, and how they won’t consume them.(Don’t point out that water is a chemical. It just confuses them.)

Their favorite food is kale.

Love farmer’s markets.

Telling you about the one time they went vegan.

Taking a gap year after college.

I mean at the end of the day I don’t really don’t care what anyone drinks I just think there’s better options, like turpentine or bathwater.

Just don’t be annoying about it.

Written by

Matthew Donnellon is a writer, artist, and sit down comedian. He is the author of The Curious Case of Emma Lee and Other Stories.

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