How I Write A Million Words A Day, Every Day

A Satire

First wake up 4:00 AM.

Why? Because that’s what Jocko Willink does.

Can I really write at 4:00 AM? I don’t know. But I have to take a picture of my watch saying 4:00 AM so everyone on Instagram knows I’m working hard.

I don’t even get out of bed to write. I just sleep on a pile of old laptops so every time I roll around I crank out another 1000 words.

What you don’t write in your sleep?

Gotta write in your sleep. Optimize bro. Way of the future. #lifehacks.

I have to bold some random words in every sentence.

Why?

Who knows but all the cool kids are doing it.

Just by waking up I’ve gotten a hundred thousand words already. It’s like nothing. A cakewalk. I don’t get why everyone else can’t do it.

Next I drink some coffee.

A lot of coffee. Drip coffee? Nah. Starbucks? Nope.

Chemex. Can’t be productive without a Chemex. Productivity didn’t exist before Chemexes. You can look it up. Plus, I can write another 50,000 words while I wait the few seconds for the coffee to pour through.

Then. I write for 12 straight hours.

How do I do that?

It’s easy.

Really all I do is rewrite the same ten productivity articles over and over again. Plus a daily dose of things everyone read on Lifehacker ten years ago.

But ya gotta make it look interesting.

How do you do that?

Say it with me.

One.

Word.

Paragraphs.

Works right?

Makes everything you write look important.

Plus you have to throw in a bunch of these.

Can’t forget those.

How about another one?

And most importantly.

Don’t forget to quote Gary Vee. Have to quote Gary Vee. And you have to do it this way. Every time. Why? Who knows.

Yep. Now you’re rolling.

Also I read two books a day while I write.

Oh you can’t read while you write?

Gary Vee taught me how.

When I do I eat?

I don’t. I only eat every three days. Intermittent fasting.

12 hours later I’ll have written 850,000 words.

Boom a million words a day.

Then I wake up and start over tomorrow.

Also I only sleep 37 minutes a day.

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Written by

Matthew Donnellon is a writer, artist, and sit down comedian. He is the author of The Curious Case of Emma Lee and Other Stories.

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