You want to be a writer don’t you?
I mean you wouldn’t have clicked on this article if you didn’t.
Unless for some reason, you have no desire to write but have a penchant for reading writing advice, then continue I guess.
Writing is a hard thing.
Not physically, mind you, there are plenty of jobs where sitting inside and typing is infinitely preferable to doing anything with say…power tools.
But, writing can be a difficult thing to break into at least at the professional levels. To become a hobbyist its really rather easy.
So if you want to write then these ten tips will help you along that path.
Write All The Time
I know what you’re thinking.
But Matt, I do write all the time.
Well, are you a professional writer yet and/or are you making the money that you want? Then you need to write more.
How much more you ask?
A lot more.
The most common writing advice is to write every day, but I don’t think that takes it far enough.
You need to be writing.
Like you’re in a literary version of Glengarry Glen Rose. Always be writing.
Write every day?
That’s for amateurs. Write every hour. Write like an absolute psycho. Only inhuman writing machine make any money writing. You gotta produce the the content.
Quit your jobs. Start writing.
Who needs them. Write away.
It would be disrespectful not to write. Besides its not like they’re ever going to know.
Write all the time. Not at your computer? Write on your phone. Don’t have a phone? Write in a notebook. Don’t have a notebook? Write on CVS receipts you could fit Finnegan’s Wake on of those.
Get Rid Of All Your Friends
Friends just get in the way.
If you’re going to be a writer then you need all the time you can get. And anytime you’re with your friends is time you could be writing.
Friends want to do annoying things like go out to dinner and spend time with you.
That’s time you could be writing.
I can already hear you saying this.
I need friends to read my writing. They can give me feedback.
Trust me though, your friends don’t want to read your writing.
Keep giving them your writing to read and your friends will disappear all on their own.
Get a dog instead.
Speaking of which…
Get A Dog
I know the stereotype is that writer’s always have cats.
But cats are evil.
Get a dog instead.
Everyone loves dogs.
They are great. They are like friends that don’t talk and don’t annoy you. If you had a person that just sat at your feet and never spoke and just watched you write all day that would be creepy.
Turn that person into a dog, and now you have man’s best friends. This is literally what they were built to do.
Also, should you ever get a case of writer’s block the absolute best thing to do is to take your dog for a walk. It clears your head and boom, back to writing. This is the only excuse for not writing.
And, dogs give you a great excuse to leave anytime you want.
Consider these two scenarios:
You: I have to leave.
Them: Oh? Why?
You: Because I don’t want to be here anymore.
You: I have to leave.
Them: Oh? Why?
Me: I have to let my dog out.
Them: Oh okay. Say hi to the little guy for me.
Trust me, the second scenario works much better.
So you can excuse yourself and now you’re back to writing.
Read All The Writing Advice On The Internet
Before you start writing there are some things you need to do.
You weren’t just going to start writing were you?
What are you some kind of crazy person?
You can’t just start writing.
No, you need to go on the Internet and read all the writing advice on the Internet. There is no end of advice. You need to absorb all this information before you even think of starting.
Then go an buy all the writing books.
Then find any more you haven’t read at the library.
Then, and only then, can you finally start writing.
Take An Online Writing Course (Probably from a writer you’ve never heard of and only seems to make money selling writing courses)
Just kidding. Don’t do that. It’s a waste of time.
Cultivate Your Writing Aesthetic
You don’t want to just start writing do you?
You know what’s way more fun than writing?
Telling everyone that you’re a writer.
Create your own little writing space. Dress like a writer from the 1920’s. Get a typewriter.
And most importantly, go on Facebook and Instagram and curate your writing personality.
Make sure your bio says writer even though you’ve never written anything longer than a shopping list.
Rearrange Your Desk For Hours
Ahhhh, the time honored tradition known to all writers.
Before you start writing you need to rearrange the items on your desk for approximately 4,000 hours before your start writing. I don’t know why but every writer does this.
Maybe because none of us secretly want to write.
Maybe it’s writer’s block.
Maybe’s it because writing sometimes forces you into an existential crisis and you worry that maybe you’re wasting your time and perhaps you should have went to law school after all and maybe things will get better if you just get published and oh god why aren’t people reading my stories.
Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Stare Out The Window
This dovetails nicely with the point above.
Find yourself a nice window.
Now stare out it all day long.
That’s basically all the writing process is.
Make sure you pick a good one and not like staring at the side of someone’s house.
The one I use has a forest outside with like squirrels and birds and stuff.
It’s pretty dope.
Use Really Big Words
You’re a writer now.
You need to start acting like one.
I’m going to tell you a secret.
Just say use juxtaposition every other word. Everyone will think you’re a lot smarter than you are.
In fact you shouldn’t use any words shorter than three syllables. You should sound like you swallowed a thesaurus.
Never use a ten cent word when a ten dollar word would make all your friends feel inferior.
Pray To The Writing Gods
Look all I’m saying if you want to be a writer then you need to do whatever is necessary.
So, I’m not saying I did this but if you sneak into a public library and sacrifice a librarian in front of an altar of Stephen King’s On Writing at midnight during the full moon then you might be granted writing skills.
Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes.
Just get writing.