How To Put Up Christmas Lights

I love Christmas. I really do, but there is one thing that I abhor.

Christmas Lights.

It’s usually snowing, and you have to stand outside while the snow falls. But, you spend four times as long as your think you’re going to while fumbling with stupid broken lights.

Here’s a short accounting of how it usually goes.

How To Put Up Christmas Lights

1.Go Outside

2.Curse the weather

3. Swear under breath

4. Find lights tangled in garage

5. Untangle lights

6. Repeat step 3

7. Keep untangling lights.

8. Curse weather again

9. Test Lights

10. Realize most of the lights don’t work.

11.Repeat step 3

12. Go to store.

13. Ask high school kid where the lights are.

14. Ask high school kid again.

15. High school kid finally puts his phone down. Points you to the right aisle.

16. Find lights.

17. “Lights are how much?”

18. Repeat step 3

19. Go back home.

20. Unpack lights.

21. Test lights.

22. Realize these lights also don’t work.

23. Repeat step 3

24. Repeats steps 12- 19

25. Curse weather

26. Start putting up the lights.

27. Avoid small woodland creatures inhabiting bushes.

28. Scrape hands endlessly on bushes.

29. Repeat step 3

30. Put on hat because it’s snowing now.

31. Give up throw lights in heaping mess on street corner.

32. Convert to Judaism.

Matthew Donnellon is a writer, artist, and sit down comedian. He is the author of The Curious Case of Emma Lee and Other Stories.

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