I Already Listen to Christmas Music Because I’m a Monster

They say it’s too early but they’re wrong

The holiday season is coming. Any day now we will be consumed by the full merriment that accompanies the approaching winter solstice.

Some think it’s far too early to be even thinking about this.

But, I don’t. I love it. I love Christmas.

This leads to one of the more controversial aspects of the coming winter season. Christmas music. I love it. The local radio station here starts playing it the day after Halloween and I love every second of it.

Sometimes, I think I am in the minority in this opinion. Mostly because people frequently tell me I am in the minority on this. This is usually followed by “please turn the Christmas music off. It’s the first week of November you dolt.” No one likes listening to Christmas music this early in the year.

I don’t care. I’m a monster. I will listen to it all season long, all way till 12:01 a.m. Christmas Day. Then I never want to hear it again.

All the naysayers have different arguments.

I will entertain some of them.

Won’t you get tired of the Christmas Spirit? What about Holiday burnout?

I’m not worried. I have enough holiday cheer for ten men. I’m as jolly as they come. I would start in October if I could but I like Halloween too much. I start Christmas shopping as soon as I start taking down Halloween decorations.

It’s the same songs over and over again.

Yeah, that’s kinda the point. It’s the same twenty songs again and again. Just like how I have a thousand songs on my computer but listen to the same seven over and over. Plus, it’s not exactly the time of year to be changing things up. Same food. Same decorations. Same old stories. Same people. It’s the same everything. Changing things is for January when everyone pretends they’re going to the gym, but really they just post that on Facebook.

But what about Thanksgiving?

Oh, don’t even get me started on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving can go sit in the corner with all the other useless holidays like Flag Day and Arbor Day. Thanksgiving is Christmas without any of the good parts. It’s basically a dress rehearsal for the real event that takes place a month later. Why isn’t it in May or something? Just get rid of it. “Oh, but you get to watch the Lions play” they say. I’m from Detroit. That’s an insult. Every one else gets to watch them bumble around. I have to live it. I just get to sit there and watch Matt Stafford wonder how Jello gets made while he sidearms another ball into a defensive lineman.

So, Thanksgiving can go kick rocks.

So I will jingle bells. I will keep the nights holy and silent. I will build snowmen. I will deck the halls, with silver bells if I have to. I’ll even listen to the weird one where the guy tries to get laid because it’s cold outside.

So keep the bah humbugs. I’ll skip Thanksgiving (it’s just a prelude to Black Friday Shopping anyway), and I’ll listen to the music I want to.

Matthew Donnellon is a writer, artist, and sit down comedian. He is the author of The Curious Case of Emma Lee and Other Stories.

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