Thanksgiving Is The Worst Holiday

Thanksgiving is this week. For many people, the preparations have already begun.

I hate this day.

I mean there’s a reason the Hallmark movies skip over it.

This Thursday marks the annual day of Thanksgiving. In theory, that’s a great idea. I just think the holiday is average at best and cataclysmic at its worst. It’s an anathema of of what a holiday is supposed to be.

Here’s the thing. It’s dinner but with more work. If you take away about 40 different side dishes there’s not much to differentiate it from a random Tuesday in July.

It doesn’t help that it sits between two of the best days of the year. First. There’s Halloween. Halloween is great. There’s candy and costumes. People get scared. There are hay rides and trips to the cider mill. There’s a good month and a half of scary movies and haunted houses to build the excitement.

The leaves are turning. The weather has just started to cool down. The early autumn is great. Leaves crunch under your shoes. It’s jacket season (I don’t really get why that’s a big deal, but people tell me it’s a thing.)

It’s even worse after Thanksgiving. Where I live, just after Thanksgiving the snows starts to fall. December is awash with Christmas cheer. They are bells ringing. Christmas lights illuminate the streets.

What do you get with Thanksgiving? A paper turkey on the center of the table that some kid made in kindergarten.

This applies to the weather too. The beginning of fall is great: the leaves change, the temperature drops to something other than 90 degrees, you don’t have to mow the grass twice a week. Winter means a nice white dusting of snow. But, the last week of November is cold wet and miserable.

But what about what the tradition Thanksgiving represents?

The shared meal between the Pilgrims and the Native Americans that kept them from pulling a Donner Party?

Do you really want to be reminded about the settlers’ interactions with Native American? I didn’t think so.

But what about the food?

Oh don’t get me started. I don’t know why they picked the biggest, dumbest bird that tastes like cardboard to be the centerpiece.

You can say it, I won’t tell anyone. No one likes turkey. It’s a big dumb bird that was too slow and clunky to fly well. It’s dry. It’s dull. It excites precisely no one other than toddlers who just found out they ca draw a turkey by tracing their hand.

If it was any more boring it would be teaching math.

There’s cranberry sauce still wiggling and still retaining the shape of its aluminum prison. It’s creepy.

Hey everyone let’s have a worse version of chicken. They should have had pizza at Thanksgiving. Things would have went a lot smoother.

Also, pumpkin pie is terrible. It’s just an excuse to put Cool Whip in your mouth.

But you get to watch football?

No, I get to watch two teams play something something similar to football. Because of the short week, they get two days to figure everything out. It’s why every Thursday game is horrible. Also, you can either watch to Lions continue being a joke. Or, you can watch the Dallas Cowboys, and watch their owner slowly turn into a Bond villain.

You get the day off work though.

Maybe for you. I write everyday because I’m a crazy person.

But you get to be thankful.

I’m thankful Christmas is a month away.