The Superbowl is here.
This morning will begin the final day of two weeks of media blitz and pageantry that will culminate in a disappointment for some and joy for others.
While most will just hope for a good game.
Though, anything will be better than last year’s.
There is another tradition that takes place on Sunday. It’s a day for gathering with friends and family.
Then you all get to watch approximately 3000 hours of pregame shows and make last minute calls to your bookies.
Superbowl parties tend to attract a varied sort of people.
I’ve taken the time to write out who will be coming to your party so you can prepare.
The One There Just For The Food
This one is easy to spot he will be near the snacks and probably holding a chicken wing.
He could care less about football and is just here for the free meal. He heard about your new smoker so now he’s here to sample the goods.
He’s the reason when you circle back to table the only left are the carrot sticks your aunt brought.
He’ll also disappear halfway through the game and most likely weasel his way into your neighbor’s party or he’ll get hit by a car because he started chasing a pizza guy’s delivery vehicle like a loose rottweiler.
The Drunk One
This one has been drinking since 6 AM and is one of those people that use any excuse to start day drinking, like the sun came up, or only drinks on days that end in ‘y.’
He arrives to your house drunk. He slurs his words and calls everyone “buddy.”
But he’s easy to deal with as he will pass out drunk by the second quarter. He will then pester you tomorrow with a hundred questions about the game because he missed it all.
The Commercial Watcher
The commercial watcher can be one of the more annoying guests. You can tell they are a commercial watcher because they will quiet down every one by loudly crying “Shhhhhh” at every commercial break.
This is the reason they watch the Superbowl.
For some reason they just really, really, like advertisements.
They also haven’t realized that all the commercials will be available on Youtube and the millions of dollars the media time costs means the companies rarely take risks anymore.
The Half Time Watcher
The half time watcher is similar to the commercial watcher. The periphery activities are what excites them.
The love the half time act.
it doesn’t matter who it is they will always be huge fans of the performer even if the day before they had no idea who Shakira was.
They will make everyone watch the half time show even though 75 percent of the people won’t care and everyone else just wants to get food.
They will also spend the whole day telling everyone that they are only here for the half time show and asking repeatedly how much time is left. Even though the National Anthem just started Demi Lovato is still in her 17th minute of singing it.
The Half Time Watcher is probably married to The Drunk or the one there for food.
The Serious One
These other people are annoying, but the serious one might be the worst person there.
He takes the game way too seriously. He loves football. Like really loves it. He loves it like Thanos loves Gamora.
Dollars to donuts he’s a coach or wants to be. He’s also one of those people that wants Pop Warner kids to do the Oklahoma drill, and creams his shorts if any team ever runs the Wing T.
Guaranteed to have a shaved head and and mustache and/or goatee.
He breaks down every play like he’s trying out for Monday Night Football and gets really mad if he sees a woman on the screen and she’s not in a cheerleading outfit.
He is either wearing a jersey or a windbreaker/polo combo with the team logo like he’s the head coach when really he’s not qualified to be the Strength and Conditioning coach to a mid tier Division 3 team. He can tell you about every Superbowl since the game featured people like Starr and Lombardi even though he’s only 33.
Bonus points if he’s wearing a backwards baseball hat.
Double bonus points if he says something racist.
So these are all the people at your party. Now, you could just enjoy the game or at least get through it because no one wanted to just watch The Witcher instead.
Now you can have fun picking out which person is which and guessing how long the Drunk can lay outside without freezing to death.
The longest I’ve seen was 17 hours.