The New iPhone Is Staring At Me

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Have you seen the new iPhone?

I realize that I can be quite the troglodyte, and I have a penchant for eschewing the latest and greatest technology, but my problems with the newest iteration of Apple’s mobile device hits me at a visceral level.

I mean look at it.

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Do you see it?

Oh wait let me fix it.


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Do you see it now?

Tell me that thing isn’t staring into your soul.

All I can see is a mutant robot frog gazing back at me. It’s got two eyes, and a camera mouth frozen in a permanently open mouth, as though it will be forever shouting into the abyss, as no one can hear it scream.

It was a bad enough when they gave a protohuman voice to ease us into the coming apocalypse, but now it’s looking at me.

Staring at me.

I’m convinced it’s thinking in that cold dead computer brain.

Did they have to the camera’s just so? Was it some ploy to gently remind us that the robots are coming.

Each step it feels like we’re giving the promethean fire not to another species, but to something not even alive.

It could be just a bad case of pareidolia, or just maybe, it’s something far more sinister.

They thought HAL 9000 was just a helpful computer too.

I’m fairly certain I’m looking at Skynet’s baby pictures, and any minute now the machines will know I’m onto them.

It doesn’t help that they arranged it to vaguely convey a smiley face, so as to suggest, I’ll make you march to your doom, but at least you’ll be happy. Look, look, happy face! It’s the cybernetic version of dangling keys in our face.

One day I will need to replace my iPhone X but now I’m not certain I want to walk around with a pocket sized iRobot on me at all times.

And if I did get one, all I could do would be to sit and wait for those camera eyes to start glowing red.

Behold our robot overlords. They weren’t Terminators; they look more like a devolved WALL-E.

So when they ask why didn’t we see the machines coming for us? It’s because they were already here.

Matthew Donnellon is a writer, artist, and sit down comedian. He is the author of The Curious Case of Emma Lee and Other Stories.

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