The Real Reasons Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are Breaking Up
A satirical look at what’s affecting football’s biggest power couple.
Tom Brady and Bill Belichick have dominated the NFL for the last 17 years. In 2001, Drew Bledsoe went down with an injury, and a young, sixth round draft pick took his place, and the rest is history.
Now, there are cracks evident in the marriage. But, 17 years is a long time. But they had a good run.
A few months ago, ESPN released a long, detailed, and thorough report examining the crumbling relationship. It’s been covered on and off again through the weeks. Tensions renewed when Tom Brady skipped voluntary workouts with the team and instead worked out on his own.
But, that’s not nearly as fun as speculating what all the possible reasons for the tension. Fabrications are always more fun than facts.
Let’s look at some possible causes:
1. Bill Told Tom Brady the Truth About Water
Brady recently released his book The TB12 Method. It’s little more than a study of how little Brady knows about fundamental concepts including, but not limited to, such fundamental concepts as: chemistry, physics, physiology, and nutrition.
I can see a scenario where Bill Belichick, fed up with his golden ticket’s pseudoscience, finally tells him his long held beliefs are not true.
“Tom, I don’t know how to tell you this but water doesn’t prevent sunburns.”
“Yes it does Bill. Alex Guerrero told me so.”
“That’s not how water works Tom.”
“But, I don’t get sunburns Bill.”
“Tom, you know what the sun is…right?”
“All I’m saying Bill. You can’t burn water.”
And so on. Brady learns the uncomfortable truth, and Bill plays middle school science teacher to a multi-millionaire adult.
2. Tom Brady Found a copy of A Gronking to Remember in Bill Belichick’s office
“Bill! What’s this? I thought we had something special”
“Not now Tommy, I’m hacking Pittsburg’s computers.”
“Bill, why do you have this?” Holds up book.
“I took that away from Gronk this morning.”
“Nice try Bill. You know he can’t read.”
3. Bill Belichick requires Papa John’s in the Patriot’s cafeteria.
Brady storms into Belichick’s office.
“What’s wrong Tom. Did they run out of avocoda ice cream again?”
“That’s not funny Bill. That was terrible. Why is the cafeteria serving Papa John’s? That’s his thing.”
“Who’s thing Tom?”
“That’s Peyton’s sponsor.”
“I think they just sponsor the NFL Tom.”
“Well they won’t make sauceless pizza for me. Tomatoes are a nightshade Bill.”
“Do you know what that means Tom?”
“No, but I can’t have cheese or gluten either.”
“So what do you get from pizza places?”
“Mostly ice cubes.”
4. Tom Brady Finds Out What Bill Belichick’s Screensaver Is
“Hey Bill, can I check my email real quick.”
“Don’t you have a phone Tom?”
“No Bill, [makes air quotes] I don’t have a phone. I smashed it remember.”
“I’m pretty sure you could get another one. But whatever, knock yourself out.”
“That’s not funny Bill. Concussions are serious.”
Bill mumbles under breath.
“What’s this Bill?”
“What now Tom?”
“Why do have Garoppolo’s picture as your screen saver?”
“What…Edleman must have done that. He’s getting bored.”
“Why are there hearts all over it. I knew it Bill. I knew it. Mr. Kraft told me you loved him more than me.”
“I don’t love anything Tom. I’m dead inside.”