What if The Bachelor Took Place in Westeros?
Jon and Danaerys enter the throne room.
(Danaerys shortened to Dany for purposes of not wanting to type Danaerys 15 times)
Dany: I’m Danaerys Targaryen…
15 minutes later
Dany:…taker of last slices of pizza, queen of unnecessary titles.
Jon: I’m Jon
Dany: That’s it?
Jon: yeah, I’m not much of a talker. Tumblr prefers me to brood. Switches to brood mode.
Dany: You took one of my kingdoms.Your family owes me loyalty. (Proceeds to read page from World of Ice and Fire).
Jon: Yeah, that kind of changed when your dad toasted my granddad and uncle.
Dany: But.
Jon: And, my dad and Uncle Bobby kicked your family in the teeth.
Dany:Yeah, well they sent assassins after me.
Jon: My own men literally stabbed me to death. I was dead for a whole episode.
Dany: What?
Jon: Yeah, I’m a zombie. There’s a whole army of the dead coming.
Dany: Are they all as handsome as you?
Jon: Depends on how you feel about blue eyes. Also I think you’re my Aunt.
Dany: WTF Bro???
Jon: So can I have you Dragonglass?
Dany: What is going on?????
Jon: We should probably have an alliance.
Dany: I’m Daneary Stormborn…(starts announcing titles)
Jon: Do we have to do this again?
Tyrion: I’m afraid she insists on it.
Title announcements end.
Dany: now what…are you taking a picture?
Jon: #kitfans #knownothing *laughs to self* that’s going to kill. Wait what?
Dany: So…alliances.
Jon: Traditionally, they are bound by marriage.
Dany: Are you proposing?
Tyrion: You could at least use some decorum Jon.
Jon: uh…
Dany: this is the worst proposal I’ve had yet..
Jon: How many proposals have you had.?
Dany: I’ve had two husbands already. They’re both dead.
Jon: *Gulps
Tyrion: one of them was Aquaman? was he not?
Dany: Perhaps I can assemble the sons of great houses. Perhaps they could come here and stay, maybe compete in brief contests for my affection. I could then give the ones that stay a a token of my affection each week.
Jon: I think you just described the Bachelorette. Also, only I and Theon Greyjoy remain from the great houses.
Tyrion: Oof, Theon would not do well in the fantasy suite. (looks at camera and winks).
Dany: Very well, Jon you may take me on a date tonight.
Jon: *mutters under breath King Jon.
Tyrion hands Jon a card.
Jon: What’s this?
Tyrion: It’s a date card of course. We’re very formal here.
Jon looks at card. It reads I HOPE YOU LIKE IT HOT. (In the same handwriting every season despite supposedly written by different people!)
Jon goes on picturesque date (secretly an ad for the tourism board of Dragonstone); then they find that they are the only people in the room while an unknown country singer plays in the background.
They come to immaculately placed table setting in the middle of nowhere. Danaerys acts surprised even though she obviously knew it was there.
They pretend to eat on camera.
Dany: So, I need to know the real Jon Snow. Tell me about this assination.
Jon: *gets emotional, well one day I was the commander of the Night’s Watch. *pauses Sorry…it’s just…
Dany: go on.
Jon: they didn’t like what I was doing. So i went outside one day and they stabbed me to death.
Dany: What?!
Jon: I was dead. The red witch brought me back. I hung a kid.
Dany: WTF man
Producer: Jesus… tell her you have a dog.
Jon: I have a wolf the size of a Clydesdale.
Producer: oh man.
Dany: Wait, you have a giant mythical creature as a pet.
Jon: Yes…
Dany: Does he sometimes kill people?
Jon: when there’s enough budget to show him.
Dany: *swoons Jon, will you accept this rose?
